Juliet - The Love Letter of a Confused Man

The Love Letter of a Confused Man

02nd Feb 2023

to Juliet from Romeo

Hi Julia,

It's not a good idea to draw conclusions about something that hasn't happened yet. I almost expect today to be the longest diary entry of our entire tour. We are halfway through; one half is over. And after this half, I'm even more sure that something is very wrong between us. I don't think it's you. If anyone is to blame, it's me. I can't describe it, but - as always - it keeps coming out exactly the same. But I'll put it a little differently now; very directly: "I love you, and therefore hate you."

Just like this sentence, everything just doesn't make sense. I am completely overwhelmed by the things you say and do. Everything, absolutely everything, can be broken down to the fact that I no longer have any real idea where I actually am. You were the one who decisively shaped my life in the last few years. I am incredibly grateful for that. But you shouldn't have done that. Because everything had just begun with you. That's why I am in this situation where I simply don't understand anymore what's going on here. That's why I owe you so much. I can't tell you what my life would be like today. Or...

You gave me the opportunity to make my dream, which I still have, come true. The dream of making music on stage. And it has turned out that it actually works. Why did you do that? We see each other all the time, which makes it impossible for me to get out of my nightmare of thoughts. Have you ever considered whether someone else might be better suited as your drummer? Or at least similarly good? In this way you have shown me that my dream job is really my vocation in the depths of my heart.

Thanks to you and your very fitting words, I have managed to take a completely new direction in my life. If it wasn't for you, I would still be sadly working my 8 hours a day; I don't know if I would have ever reoriented again. No idea if I would even still be here without you. It's not just this fact alone that has made me realise that what I feel for you doesn't just come from anywhere. It almost seems as if my life would have gone completely off track without you. My life is completely dependent on you. How could I even imagine how it would have been without you?

Because of you, I have started to live a social life. I've always known that I'm not a very social person, but I didn't expect this much. I wish you would have left it alone. My life was almost easy before you showed up. It was only when you came along that the complicated things I knew nothing about became important. Only through these things do I try to understand how signals of others work, for example those of you. And these signals only confuse.

And thanks to you, I actually fell in love with you. Only through you, and everything you have done in my life, have I really learned what it means to really care about a person. I never knew that before, because there never was a person before you on whom I was dependent to that degree. This was only you. Everything I learned and was allowed to learn through you was a major step in the right direction for me. Except that this step has a sour taste to it. The fact of being in love with you is driving me more and more crazy. There is only chaos in my head. Actually, there is only one real topic that occupies me all the time, continuously: You! And that's becoming too much to handle. It sucks to be in love. Why can't one just turn it off? Even if I don't plan on dying alone one day; Why can't I just straighten out my personal life first without this nonsense that gets more and more intense, crazy, incomprehensible, stupid, counterproductive and uncontrollable with each passing time? Yes, I love you. And this very fact makes me hate you for exactly this. Because with your whole being, with everything you say, do and are, you completely change my life. You help me rebuild my life and destroy my life for it.

I don't know if you can tell by the text, but I'm sitting here almost crying in front of my computer and I don't know what to do. I can no longer go on like this because it's destroying me inside, but I can't stop either because I need you.